Lonely this Christmas?
It’s looking a lot like Christmas, folks.
While it’s often advertised as a time of closeness, connection, and family, for so many of us it’s a time of stress. Trying to keep the peace, stay afloat amidst all the expenses, and keep other people happy (especially when you have multiple claims on your time) - let’s face it, it’s tough to jingle all the way.
(Not to mention, as Ram Dass put it, “If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”)
Personally, I’ll be spending the festive season physically alone, for the third year in a row and for the umpteenth time over the last decade.
Spending a time traditionally shared with loved ones in this way is about as bad and as good as you might expect. It sucks to not hug and hang out with loved ones, recalling memories and creating new ones, and it’s the first year without my mum. I don’t quite know how I’ll feel on the day, if I’m honest.
AND it also means that I can spend Christmas to suit myself, eating what I want (this house is a brussel-sprout-free zone, don’t @ me), and when (chocolate before midday is a valid food group on the 25th of December). I’m also lucky enough to have three friends who are each planning to give me a call on the day.
But understandably it can still feel pretty lonely, and loneliness triggers its own host of negative health implications. Former monk and psychotherapist Donald Altman shares on Psychology Today asks,
“Have you ever gone to bed at night feeling sad or lonely? Then, you woke up not feeling refreshed, but exhausted and on edge. You are not alone. It's been found that your emotional state at night can influence your body's stress system in a profound way.”
He explains that going to bed lonely or sad increases the amount of cortisol in your body the next day, with higher cortisol levels reducing both our immune response and the killer cells that fight off viruses and some kinds of tumors.
It’s a worrying thought, especially as rates of reported loneliness remain high for certain members of our society, especially those who are 16-24 or live in urban areas.
Altman goes on to recommend a mindful appreciation of our relationships - not only physically reaching out to someone supportive or who cares (which may be unavailable for some of us), but by recalling their loving presence each night before we go to sleep. To me, it echoes the research which suggests that journalling about what you’re grateful for before falling asleep is a good way to improve the quality of sleep you have.
But of course, it still kinda depends on the kinds of relationships you have in your life. As the phenomenally peppy friendship expert and author Shasta Nelson explains, most of us aren’t lonely because we lack people in our lives; what we’re lacking is an experience of intimacy with them.
Through her research, she suggests intimacy in friendship is built through three key components;
Positivity: Experiencing positive emotions from being with someone
Consistency: Showing up, putting the time in, which builds trust
Vulnerability: Letting more of ourselves be seen. Yes, the tough stuff, but also our history and our dreams
Through the practise of these three elements we end up feeling satisfied, safe, and seen. Qualities which I think many of us would like to experience more of in every relationship.
So, how about you? Can you bring the above qualities of positivity, consistency, and vulnerability to your interactions this Christmas, and give those you love the gift of warmth, closeness, and affection?
Because, who knows? It may well save someone’s life one day.
Photo by Kristina Paukshtite: https://www.pexels.com/photo/red-volkswagen-beetle-scale-model-3444345/
