Finding our boundaries

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries recently. But then, given the texts messages recently revealed by professional surfer Sarah Brady from her relationship with the actor Jonah Hill, who isn’t thinking about them?

(Cosmopolitan Magazine suggests it should be the word of 2023…)

Like many people, I can struggle with setting boundaries. Perhaps it’s because I can be a bit of a people pleaser at times, especially when I’m struggling with conflict.

Due to my constant research into trauma and polyvagal theory, I try to err on the side of compassion and understanding of others, knowing all too well the numerous times when I have been the one to act out of fear, anger, or self-protection.

But I’ve had several situations over the 12 months when I’ve had to tune into my gut, recognise what’s making me feel uneasy, and dig deep into what I’ll accept and what makes me feel too uncomfortable to continue. Each time it’s been tough, and I felt in real need of kindness, insight, and support.

So I wish I had discovered this warm and wise podcast about boundaries from 2021 a lot earlier. An interview between therapist and poet Jacky Power and Kari Kwinn, author of Better Boundaries: You don’t have to be broken to be better, it’s full of great ideas and wisdom.

These three ideas in particular have stuck with me:

1: Quit starting at your bare minimum

Many of us censor ourselves from asking for what we fully want, and only ask for the absolute minimum that we think we might get - and very often this is still couched in lots of justifications.

If our starting position is already from a place of inner compromise - something which the other party doesn’t know about because hey, they’re not mind readers - no wonder it feels so difficult to reach a compromise, or that the other party’s agreement feels all-or-nothing. It triggers a threat response rather than instigating an opportunity for discussion, connection, and collaboration.

2: Start with what you DO want

This idea adapts the traffic light system of red, amber, and green to describe our likes and preferences. To use the restaurant example in the episode, we often start with our “red” stop lights by saying what we can’t or don’t want to eat - whether it’s a dietary restriction, a food intolerance, or just plain dislike (Kari herself hates sushi).

A more connecting experience is to start with what we DO want to eat instead. Perhaps we’re jonesing for a pizza, somewhere with an outdoor terrace, or a place that sells great noodles.

Starting with what we want can be a real mindset shift, and it requires a connection to ourselves and our inner experience.

Starting with our “red light” answers can feel like a quicker response, compared to taking a moment to reflect on what we DO want. And there’s such a lot of habit energy (not to mention negativity bias,) in only knowing what we DON’T want to experience.

But which would you prefer to receive? A red light or a green one?

3: Stop forcing a good fit

Finally, I love her idea of thinking of ourselves as puzzle pieces, each with our own particular contours. As Kari puts it,

“What I find to be helpful and true is to identify our own boundaries, to know the edges of our own puzzle piece so well that we could easily articulate them to neighboring pieces and know if they're a fit or not. [We can struggle] because we have this idea of how much we would love for something to fit instead of figuring out the ways it might fit.

.. I think, when we talk about interpersonal relationships, sometimes we're trying to fit in the wrong puzzle. Sometimes things go really nicely together, but in a different context.

So for me, the example is sour cream and onions, they go really nicely with potatoes. So if you're having a baked potato, if you're having chips, sour cream and onion goes really well.

But they don't go terribly well on a smoothie, kind of no matter what else you put in there. Sometimes we try to force the relationship into the wrong flavor of relationship instead of letting it be where it’s most delicious.”

I know for myself how tempting it is to ‘chop off’ the parts of myself that don’t fit well with another person when some other parts fit really well. This is especially true when the latter feels like a rare occurrence.

Sometime this impulse can point towards a healthy compromise. For example, I’m great to have a meaningful conversation with but a lousy choice for a hike. So, rather than go along with activities that make me miserable, I can be upfront about what does work for me and make suggestions accordingly.

And if there’s an ongoing mismatch? I’ll let Cosmopolitan have the last word:

“Jaime Zuckerman, a psychologist, said she often hears clients talk about how their boundaries “failed” because the person still did whatever problematic behaviour the client was bothered by.

“I try to remind people that boundaries are for the person establishing them,” she said.

“They are not created as a means to change the behaviours of those around us. Either your boundaries will be respected or they won’t.

It is then up to you to decide if the relationship is one worth maintaining.”

And that’s a tough decision only we can make.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-and-gray-bare-tree-near-high-rise-buildings-6942661/