Frustration is a signal

The other morning, my brain fizzed with ideas for someone else’s business.

I had it all planned out: the changes they could make, the values alignment they could leverage, even the presentation where I explained the reasoning behind all of my brilliant ideas.

(Yeah, I really need a holiday. Or a(nother) hobby.)

Thankfully, I caught myself before I opened my mouth and put my size 5 into it.

I realised that, while my intentions were (pretty) honourable, I was playing into my tendency to over-function, rescue, and act co-dependently (if I ensured their happiness, my own happiness would be assured).

Have you ever been there? Have you ever thought, “If only they would do/stop [insert behaviour or action]?”

Sometimes, you’re right. We humans do dumb self-defeating shit all the time.

However, it’s extremely rare for someone to hear uninvited feedback, complete with a Powerpoint presentation, and then reply, “Why thank you, you’re absolutely right. Let’s take actions based on all of your recommendations.”

To quote Michael Neill: I wanted to change the world to make myself feel better.

So, I sat with the frustration. Which, to be clear, was entirely the result of me “feeling my thinking” about the situation rather than the circumstances I actually found myself in.

I realised that by focusing on other people’s challenges, and using my problem-solving brain to address them without their consent, I was also exhibiting another habitual behaviour; neglecting to work on my own projects and ideas.

Oh. Shit.

So this time, I sat down with a pen, paper, and a hearty nudge from my friendly neighbourhood AI, who cajoled me to jot down my vision and to “think big,” something I genuinely struggle to do.

I let myself get a little quiet. I cleared out the small, immediate goals in my head on the page.

And then I heard a quiet voice in my head say, “I want to live a soft life and support others to do the same.”

And so the long and short of it is that I now have the bones of something that consolidates and pivots my work, giving unprecedented clarity about what I stand for and who I’d like to work with.

Crikey.

Who knew that if I used my abilities for myself, like everyone keeps poking me to do, that I might start discovering the clarity to find my own forward momentum?

Anyhow. As soon as something is more concrete, I’ll keep you in the loop. But here are some hopefully useful takeaways from what I went through:

Is it really about them?

I watched A Family Affair this week (hey, don’t judge me, and yes, it’s not a patch on The Idea of You), where a character hates another because they’re so self-obsessed, only to realise that they exhibit the same behaviour themselves.

Sometimes it’s easier to identify and take issue with someone else’s actions than it is to recognise the offending tendencies in ourselves. We can often try to fix their problems rather than our own in the same arena, i.e., give relationship advice when our own relationship has issues we don’t want to face.

They’re doing the best they can, just like you

All of us take actions based on the best thinking we have at the time. Exhaustion, anxieties, and concerns can significantly affect our capacity for inspiration, insight, and openness.

Recognising that we all see the world differently, with hidden burdens and beliefs that shape our perspectives, can help me remember that we’re all in the same boat and doing the best we can.

Energy can be redirected

A classic application of stoicism, the circles of influence, control, and concern are a great way to recognise where we can best place our energies.

Control: Things you have agency over. For example, you can’t stop your thoughts, but you can choose how to respond to them.

Influence: Things where the outcome is out of your hands, but you can put your best foot forward through preparation or strategy.

Concern: Things over which you don’t have control, ie the death of loved ones, your past.

It’s possible to influence someone to adopt my ideas (vast swathes of books have been written about the art of persuasion!) but I can’t control the outcome.

But, in the example I’ve shared in this post, I was able to redirect my energy towards something I could have more agency over. I recognised my thinking and took action, triggered by inspiration rather than frustration.

And, in doing so, I was able to find a clarity that’s long eluded me.

What might happen if you found the inspiration available behind your frustrations?

Photo by Vickie Intili: https://www.pexels.com/photo/anonymous-woman-demonstrating-burning-paper-sheet-with-title-5323336/