Make them feel known
Relationships can be a tricky beast.
We’re a social species, so they’re baked into our biology. As Brene Brown noted, we’re wired for love and belonging, and, without them, we suffer.
And yet, for many of us, feeling satisfied in our relationships can feel elusive.
In her book Committed: A Sceptic Makes Peace with Marriage, Elizabeth Gilbert writes, “To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
But how does feeling recognised in this way affect how happy we are in our relationships with friends, coworkers, and loved ones?
And what has a better effect on our sense of contentment - feeling like we know someone or feeling known by them?
New research in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests that, while relationships are built on both parties knowing things about each other, feeling known predicts relationship satisfaction.
“From relationships with romantic partners, to siblings, to friends, and to neighbours, the studies consistently found that the belief that one is known (i.e., “feeling known”) was a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction than the belief that one knows their partner (i.e., “felt knowing”).”
What does this mean?
Well, it’s rare to find someone who doesn’t want to feel emotionally supported and receive support to achieve what they want.
The results suggest that we want others to know us, and if they do, we feel happier in the relationship - regardless of how well we feel we know them.
The findings remind me of two of my favourite quotes:
“Attention is the most basic form of love. Through it we bless and are blessed.”
John Tarrant, Roshi
And this:
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
David Augsburger
One study suggests that the subjective feeling of someone understanding you (rather than objective knowledge) is “more closely associated with relationship intimacy and trust.”
To me, that kind of understanding requires a certain sensitivity.
It means taking the time, being attuned, repairing ruptures, noticing and remembering the little details (“Hey, how did your doctor’s appointment go?”) and exploring the emotional impact (“And how are you feeling about that?”).
It involves curiosity and a sense of safety so we feel comfortable sharing; one of my ‘tells’ for when I don’t feel safe with someone is realising that I don’t want to share my inner life or personal details with them.
The study also reveals that the majority of people believe that they know other people more than ‘feeling known’ themselves.
It doesn’t surprise me. Knowing someone takes time, presence, and emotional energy, the kind we’re frequently turning to paid therapists and coaches for.
Because, quite frankly, we’re all struggling for capacity.
Indeed, many of us are so starved for attention, for someone to be truly curious about us (“How are you? No, really?”), that we end up talking about ourselves far more than we listen.
Which isn’t ideal. Especially if you’re looking for a date.
One of the other results from the study is how the desire to be known affects people’s interest in a dating profile.
“People trying to attract a romantic partner via an online dating profile were more focused on signalling their desire to be known than their desire to know a future partner.
But observers recognised that potential partners would be less interested in the dating-profile-writers who wanted to be known than in the writers who wanted to know a future partner.
To connect with a relationship partner, it may be important to signal that you want to get to know them rather than only asking them to get to know you.”
Oof. And, as single women now regularly lament on the internet, the desire to be known rather than seeking to know often means that men seldom ask questions on a date.
So, where do we go from here?
It’s a fairly prosaic answer, but a part of it is simply asking more questions that invite people to open up about what’s important to them.
I love the ‘Rose, Bud, and Thorn’ approach to checking in with someone:
Rose What’s something that’s going well, that’s ‘blooming’ in their life?
Bud What’s something that’s new and perhaps exciting, but perhaps also anxiety-provoking?
Thorn What’s something that’s causing a challenge or difficulty?
When answering, I usually start with my Thorn first because a) It’s usually easier for us to say what’s NOT going well in our lives (hello, negativity bias) and b) it means I end on a high.
A friend of mine used to do timed check-ins with his girlfriend, where each party has a timed five minutes to share whatever’s on their mind without interruption and without using the time to reply to what the previous speaker has said.
But one of my favourites is Multiamory’s RADAR relationship check-in; a regular and safe space to talk about challenging stuff using a set formula (another safety-giver) which can also be used when things are going well.
While it’s been designed for polyamorous relationships, which tend to have more moving parts, I believe every romantic relationship or deep platonic friendship would benefit from these kinds of rich, wide-ranging, and structured check-ins.
The term RADAR is an acronym:
Review What happened since your last check-in/over the last month? What’s the status of any action points agreed to previously, if applicable?
Agree the Agenda Which areas of your life do you want to cover? This is where Multiamory’s free downloadable worksheets are great, prompting conversations on things like quality time, sex, health, fights/arguments, money, and much more.
Discuss Taking turns to answer and take notes, share what’s going on for you in each area.
Action points What tangible actions do you agree to take?
Reconnect It’s time to celebrate investing energy in your relationship by doing something enjoyable that brings you closer together.
Ultimately, this latest piece of research gives me a sense of common humanity.
The vast majority of us want to feel more known by the people in our lives. And rather than taking it personally, we can relax in the knowledge that it’s not just us.
We have the power to alleviate each other’s suffering by asking, “How are you? No, really?”.
And to truly listen to the answer.
Photo by Oleksandr P: https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-women-sitting-on-ground-near-bonfire-344102/
