Who are you trying to please?
I’ve been thinking a lot about people-pleasing recently, as I’ve just released my first free video course, The People Pleaser’s First Aid Kit, as a thank-you gift for subscribers.
It came about due to my own people-pleasing tendencies and the tendencies I see in others.
It may be an autism thing, but I’ve noticed that I can go blank in uncertain situations and rely on others to say what they want first. Until someone puts a flag in the sand for me to orient myself to, I can struggle to understand or navigate a situation.
And yet, due to my hyper-empathy, I can also find it hard to know what I’m feeling when they do that, as I’m so responsive to the other person’s experience and don’t want to cause hurt.
I know that I’m not alone in these challenges. My heart ached this summer for a dear friend who slipped out of my orbit while wrestling with his sense of commitment and loyalty versus his growing need to prioritise his own mental health. He’s not the only friend I know who’s struggling with the conflict between what they want and what others want, either.
And, on the flip side, I see the exponential growth of a friend who has finally decided what SHE truly wants in life, and the universe is manifesting it at a dazzling speed.
I guess it’s the shadow of wanting to make a difference and have a positive impact on others and the world around us.
Where does the line fall between doing what you can and being as supportive as possible and overfunctioning - by which I mean, doing so much that the other person is crowded out and starts to do less and less?
As ever, I’m reminded of a classic Mark Silver (The Heart of Business) blog post, where he suggests asking ourselves three questions, which I’ll paraphrase as:
Do they need help?
Do they need MY help?
What level of help am I comfortable giving?
These are such great questions, especially when I see an opportunity to intervene, as they nudge me towards doing it in a way that respects the other person’s autonomy and my own capacities.
And yet. Sometimes I suspect that my own people-pleasing doesn’t stem from wanting to please others.
It’s more about wanting to resolve my own inner dissonance.
“If I’m the kind of person I believe I am, shouldn’t I act in X way?”
“If I piss someone off, can I handle the guilt and disappointment I’ll feel about myself?”
And, most unhealthily, “How can I limit what I want so that I can avoid the other person rejecting my request?”
So, next time you find yourself people-pleasing, ask yourself: Who are you doing this for, really?
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Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-white-cotton-candy-4275680/
